CRAZY

Bonjour, 

In this blog I want to talk about the feelings and emotions that people may go through when first becoming ill with M.E. 

When I first became ill I had no idea what was going wrong with me and neither did my doctor or my family and friends. I felt that no one believed me and of course there was nothing obvious to see. I started to think that I was imagining all this. I thought that it was only temporary - just a case of the flu. I thought that one day I would wake up and realise that it was all a dream. BUT that never happened. My family told me to "Snap out of it and get back to work". They thought that I was just being lazy. So I started to doubt myself and thought that it was all in my head. I thought that I was going crazy.  I pushed myself over and over again to go back to work. I had no other explanation for what was happening to me. Neither did my doctor at the time. I was sent for all sorts of tests and everything came back 'fine and normal'. YET I knew that I was not well and not fine! 

When at last I was given a diagnosis I felt relief and knew then that I was not going crazy. 

However, having a diagnosis doesn't end the disbelief and misunderstanding from others. It's taken decades for some of my family to accept that I really have a chronic illness called M.E.  

So often I look well. 

Sometimes I may be able to push myself to do a little more than my comfortable limits BUT there is always payback. No one sees that.

Some days are better than others. That's when I may be more visible

Some days when I feel very poorly and then I become invisible.   

So often the doctors do repeat tests and still there is nothing to find. 

There is still no one single test to diagnose M.E. and usually it's a case of eliminating other conditions and illnesses along with case history and symptoms. 

I wish and hope that one day there will be one sure test that validates my illness and that of so many others. 

In the meantime I know now that I'm not going crazy! 

Crazy

I suspect I`m going crazy

As no one seems to believe me!

All say that I look so healthy

Since there is nothing they can see.

I feel that I`m going crazy

As I have such a strange feeling.

Some say I`m idle and lazy

But they have no understanding.

I think that maybe I`m crazy

And perhaps it`s all in my head

I used to be very healthy

But now I`m disabled instead.

I wonder if I`ve gone crazy

Or maybe it`s all a bad dream

Then I`ll wake to reality

And things are truly as they seem.

Is it my imagination?

Am I really losing my mind?

There must be some explanation

If only the cause I could find. 

My self doubt is now growing strong

As all say that I look “just fine”

Perhaps I have got this all wrong

For there is no obvious sign.

“Snap out of it” people tell me

If only it was that easy.

I have invisible M.E.

Which is so difficult to see.

This is such a crazy illness

I know I`m not losing my mind

But all the doubt is causing stress

While there is nothing wrong to find!

A bientot

The French Femme

xxx