In this blog I want to talk about the feelings and emotions that people may go through when first becoming ill with M.E.
When I first became ill I had no idea what was going wrong with me and neither did my doctor or my family and friends. I felt that no one believed me and of course there was nothing obvious to see. I started to think that I was imagining all this. I thought that it was only temporary - just a case of the flu. I thought that one day I would wake up and realise that it was all a dream. BUT that never happened. My family told me to "Snap out of it and get back to work". They thought that I was just being lazy. So I started to doubt myself and thought that it was all in my head. I thought that I was going crazy. I pushed myself over and over again to go back to work. I had no other explanation for what was happening to me. Neither did my doctor at the time. I was sent for all sorts of tests and everything came back 'fine and normal'. YET I knew that I was not well and not fine!
When at last I was given a diagnosis I felt relief and knew then that I was not going crazy.
However, having a diagnosis doesn't end the disbelief and misunderstanding from others. It's taken decades for some of my family to accept that I really have a chronic illness called M.E.
So often I look well.
Sometimes I may be able to push myself to do a little more than my comfortable limits BUT there is always payback. No one sees that.
Some days are better than others. That's when I may be more visible
Some days when I feel very poorly and then I become invisible.
So often the doctors do repeat tests and still there is nothing to find.
There is still no one single test to diagnose M.E. and usually it's a case of eliminating other conditions and illnesses along with case history and symptoms.
I wish and hope that one day there will be one sure test that validates my illness and that of so many others.
In the meantime I know now that I'm not going crazy!
I suspect I`m going crazy
As no one seems to believe me!
All say that I look so healthy
Since there is nothing they can see.
I feel that I`m going crazy
As I have such a strange feeling.
Some say I`m idle and lazy
But they have no understanding.
I think that maybe I`m crazy
And perhaps it`s all in my head
I used to be very healthy
But now I`m disabled instead.
I wonder if I`ve gone crazy
Or maybe it`s all a bad dream
Then I`ll wake to reality
And things are truly as they seem.
Is it my imagination?
Am I really losing my mind?
There must be some explanation
If only the cause I could find.
My self doubt is now growing strong
As all say that I look “just fine”
Perhaps I have got this all wrong
For there is no obvious sign.
“Snap out of it” people tell me
If only it was that easy.
I have invisible M.E.
Which is so difficult to see.
This is such a crazy illness
I know I`m not losing my mind
But all the doubt is causing stress
While there is nothing wrong to find!
The French Femme